So I spotted a story about MEGADETH frontman Dave Mustaine releasing his very own autobiography titled "Mustaine: A Heavy Metal Memoir" next month. Surprising, but only because I assumed the title would be "Mustaine: The Guy Who Really Wrote The First Metallica Record." *rimshot*

Love him or hate him, Mustaine is an intriguing guy (and an egomaniac), so the thought of listening to him rant for 350+ pages is interesting. Especially since he was one of those "heroin makes me awesome" musicians in the 90's. Mustaine has gone through a lot of self-loathing in his career, so I hope this is interesting instead of a "my life has sucked post-Metallica and that's why I did drugs and was an asshole" ramblings.

So, this led me to officially end the debate of Metallica vs Megadeth once and for all using my scale(s) of awesomeness.

Let's begin!

Metallica



GOOD



Metallica began the 80's with a bang with Kill 'Em All (Mustaine will tell you he co-wrote this, which he probably did), and started the movement known as thrash metal.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/



Not only does Ride the Lightning sport one of the best album covers ever (electric chairs FTW), but it features Creeping Death, which is my favorite Metallica song. What does that mean? Well, it just means it's my favorite Metallica song.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/



Is Master of Puppets the greatest thrash record of all-time? No. However, it still rules, and anyone who discredits the influence this record had on a generation of headbangers shall be dee-stroyed.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/



They finished off the 80's with the riff library known as ...And Justice For All. I say riff library, because everyone song has so many riffs, that it's like 3 albums in 1. Yes, that was an exact calculation.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/



Metallica started the 90's with arguably the most successful metal album of all-time with the Black Album. Once you're on top, there is nowhere to go but down, as evidenced by their slow descent into TERRIBLE FUCKING MUSIC.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/


A. Metallica gets points for keeping arguably the same line-up through the years. Following the unfortunate death of bass player Cliff Burton, his replacement Jason Newsted lasted until St. Anger was released.

B. Metallica has been a goldmine of heavy riffage in the 80's, and the Black Album riffs are fumbled over by wannabe guitarists in Guitar Center everyday. The Justice album seems to have 20 riffs packed into every song, so Metallica gets major points for riffage. An automatic deduction for post-Black Album riffage. When you're best post Black Album record is an album full of covers, well, that's a problem.

C. Metallica gets extra points for writing songs like Master of Puppets, The Unforgiven, and Creeping Death. They are deducted points for the St. Anger album.

D. Metallica has always been an insane live show, but thanks to Hetfield's sometimes drunken and often asshole laced rants, they are deducted points. Oh, and more points deducted for your ridiculous ticket prices. You're filthy rich you assholes, cut us a break!

E. Metallica may be the band with the most merchandise in Hot Topic. Deduction.

MEGADETH



GOOD



Megadeth began the 80's with Killing is My Business... and Business is Good! which started the official thrash war with Metallica.* Plus, this album is fast. Like holy shit Dave, lay off the smack fast.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/

*in Dave's head only



Peace Sell's was a landmark in thrash, showcasing not only Mustaine's catchy riffage, but also the politically driven lyrics which would fuel most of Mustaine's songwriting.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/



So Far, So Good, So What! features such headbangers as Set The World A Fire and 502. However, the most interesting song is In My Darkest Hour, in which Dave tells shit LIKE IT IS and wrote an anthem for every headbanger ever double crossed by a wretched jezebel.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/



Good songwriting? Yep. Technical wizardy? Yep. Marty Fucking Friedman? Yep. Rust in Peace is the shining jewel in the Megadeth catalog and my personal favorite record. Guitarists, get your chops up if you want to hang with the riffage on this album. Oh, plus this also garnered the most baddest songs without interruption award.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/



Countdown to Extinction was Megadeth's most commercially successful record, featuring the most well known track Symphony of Destruction. Skin O' My Teeth is the heaviest track.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/



More mainstream, but still a heavy record. A Toute Le Monde, Blood of Heroes, Youthanasia, all good things.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/



2004's The System has Failed brought us the long awaited return to the thrash from Dave and crew. Finally, they were heavy again. Kick the Chair wouldn't look out of place on any 80's thrash record.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/



First of all, Brad does not approve of redesigning Vic. The album is a more modern thrash, but features the excellent tracks Sleepwalker, Washington is Next, and Never Walk Alone. Other tracks like Burnt Ice (omg clever) and an unnecessary remake of A Toute Le Monde make it not as awesome.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/



Lucky for us, Dave is as angry as he's ever been, and the album is once again politically charged. It's not excellent, but I'm just glad he hasn't wrote a Jesus anthem at this point.

Rating: \m/ \m/ \m/



A. Megadeth is a revolving door of membership thanks to Dave Mustaine being, in so many words, an asshole. At the time of this post, the entire band behind Dave may have changed, and I can't even keep track of who's in the band anymore. Deduction.

B. Dave Mustaine has always been known for his monster riffage. Plus, Metallica has never had a guitarist who could sniff the ability of Marty Friedman. I wish he'd come back from Japan and play Rust in Peace. :(

C. The songwriting has always been a strongpoint for Mustaine, partly because no one can deliver the lyrics in the style that he does. Points deducted for Risk being almost as big of an abomination as St. Anger. Oh, plus he's pissed off all the time. That helps.

D. The live show depends entirely on the era you saw them. If you saw them when Dave was drunk or on drugs, well you'll get 15 minutes of speeches and rants inbetween the 45 minutes of music. Points deducted for being an asshole, but points given for drunken ranting.

E. Megadeth has a good selection of t-shirts in Hot Topic, but that's about where the merchandise ends. Unfortunately for Dave, Megadeth can't keep up with Metallica due to a smear campaign in merchandise placement.

CONCLUSION

The epic battle between Megadeth and Metallica has concluded. So, who wins? Well after all of my studying of graphs and pie charts, plus my awesomness rating system, I hereby declare the winner as...



THE METAL FANS.

Yes, after much debate, I've concluded that the real winners happen to be the fans of the music. Both bands have released a fine catalog of music. Who gives a shit about Metallica vs Megadeth? The entire "debate" is laughable. Leave it for the high schoolers who are trying to figure out who is more br00tal than the other.

Stop debating. Start headbanging. Support metal.

THE END

Before there was Army of Two, there was... CONTRA.



Welcome to the year 2636, where Aliens have decided to FUCK SHIT UP. In a sort of post-apocalyptic world, you take your gun, your balls, your Rambo bandana, and head right into the heart of the alien forces. YOU WILL TAKE NO PRISONERS.

Contra is one of those "everything that moves must die" shooter games that made SNES platformers so much fun. Much to my surprise, I beat the game in under 20 minutes with the memories of my childhood guiding me through the six brief levels. However, after beating the game on standard difficulty, they give you this bullshit line..

"You are getting better, but now you must face the real challenge!"

Great, but this is something that could have been brought to my attention BEFORE I BEAT THE GAME ON NORMAL.

Speaking of beating this game on hard, fuck it, stop wasting your time trying to do it under normal means. You want to know the secret to beating this game on hard? It's really simple, and once you use this simple trick you will literally be unstoppable. What could it be? Well, prepare yourself, because I'm about to give you the key to the city.



'Nuff said.

Which brings me to another point of this game that pissed me off. During a level, you're running and gunning and blowing alien scum apart when suddenly some reinforcements come in... or so we thought.

The gunship drops a few bombs as so..


and lights the entire ground below you on fire.. forcing you to jump from broken chunk to broken chunk. Thanks ship, not only have you not helped me whatsoever, but you've managed to endanger my life completely in the process. Hey, that kinda does sound like the U.S. military doesn't it?

Which brings me to my next point, how crazy (aka manly) are these soldiers? Here is a list of awesome manly traits found in this game.



1. Shooting guns (sometimes multiple)
2. Dodging alien projectiles.
3. Riding Motorcycles
4. Ridding the planet of alien scum
5. Fighting enemies while holding onto a missile with one arm
6. Driving a tank
7. Rambo bandana
8. Wearing a sleeveless vest while doing it

Contra III was a staple of my childhood, and a blast to play through again, but perhaps it's the fact that I'm not 10 years old anymore, but it wasn't quite as good as I remember it. Thus, it earns #25 on my favorite SNES games of all-time.

So you listened to the latest Bring Me The Horizon CD and thought, "hey I can do that." Well I've got some great news, you can! The amazing thing about deathcore is that not only are you not required to possess any talent whatsoever, but with the advancement of home recording and myspace, you can create your own trendy br00tal band in less than 21 days! Check it out!

1. Use 7 or 8 String Guitars.



Why? Because more strings = more br00tality. The more you downtune your guitar, the heavier your band will be. Never ever play in anything higher than B. To do so would make it almost impossible to play the 30 breakdowns needed to complete your live show. Remember, it's about keeping up an appearance, not talent!

2. Process Your Vocals



Don't feel bad that you can't growl like Glen Benton. See, with the advent of computers and Pro Tools, you can actually process your vocals for a total br00tal sound! If you find yourself unable to really growl or scream, you'll be pleased to know that you can also growl really softly and crank it up in the studio for maximum br00tality! Sure, you'll sound terrible live, but this isn't a big concern. Remember, girls aren't coming to your show to listen to your vocals. Just growl gibberish into the mic and enjoy!

3. Wear Trendy Metal Shirts



With no real musical talent in your own band, make sure you wear shirts from bands with actual talent or old school death metal bands you don't listen to. This will show that while you're raping the genre they created, you still think they are "really good" and "a big influence." Here, I'll help you.

Trendy Metal Shirt Bands

A. Morbid Angel
B. Cannibal Corpse
C. Death

Trendy Norwegian black metal bands like Mayhem and Darkthrone can be used at your discretion, but aren't required.

*WARNING* The use of certain t-shirts is NOT recommended. Here is a brief list of bands on the "not allowed" list.

A. Slayer
B. Napalm Death
C. Suicidal Tendencies
D. Exodus
E. Burzum

If you are seen wearing any of these shirts, the fans of these bands just may beat the shit out of you. Don't say I didn't warn you.

4. No Lead Guitar Allowed!



People aren't coming to your shows to listen to you play music. They're coming to gather with their scene friends and dance around with each other. Thus, there is absolutely NO LEAD GUITAR ALLOWED. You aren't allowed to play solos, because not only do they take up too much time, they will certainly interfere with your overzealous head banging and stage poses. Also, make sure that if you have 2 or 3 guitarists in the band, that they are all playing the same thing. You want total br00tal triple riffage, not creativity!

5. Follow Fashion Trends



Remember, your band is built on popular fashion trends, not music. Who cares about creativity and musical expression? You gotta hurry up and finish the show so you can go play beer pong! Your window of opportunity is brief, so take every step to capitalize. You have to realize that unless you have bright colors and trendy alt-haircuts (fringe recommended), scene girls won't follow your band. Considering that these women will account for over 90% of your fanbase, this may be the most IMPORTANT aspect. Also, make sure you get pants that are as tight as you can stand. Unfortunately, you'll be unable to squeal into the mic if the pants are death-gripping your testicles.

6. Enjoy it While it Lasts



You may feel you're on top now, but so was Cinderella for a while. Like any musical gimmick, your time will eventually come to a very swift end. Unfortunately, when you realize that your musical ability is no longer considered an ability, you'll have to get a real job. Now that you have all those rad tats and br00tal piercings but no band, you may suddenly find yourself in the unemployment line. Don't worry, you have all the credentials to be a McDonald's shift leader! Guitarists, don't worry, with all those callouses from your br00tal chug chug breakdowns, you have all the skills to be a good mechanic.

Follow these steps, and you're sure to be on your way to Ozzfest/Warped Tour superstardom!

Stay br00tal! \m/

For many males who grew up in the late 80's/early 90's, video gaming was not just a hobby, but a way of life. Well, really we just didn't have anything to do whatsoever. See, I remember a time before we had fancy things like the internet and DVDs. Back in the day you didn't stay up all night facebooking and texting your bestie. Oh no. You stayed up all night playing video games and co-oping the latest Ninja Turtle beat 'em up with your best buddy. The most troubling thing about life wasn't what clever status to post or chatting up hot babez on AIM, but rather how were you going to beat that god damn Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts. Seriously Capcom, WHAT. THE. FUCK. I honestly believe the creators of SGnG were masochists. The only way to progress in the game is from sheer memorization of each and every aspect of the levels. To that I say, what's the point? It's like telegraphing every move in a sexual encounter. THERE IS NO PLEASURE.*

*unless you're into that sort of thing, we won't judge.

Gaming was an addiction I beat in my teen years with the advent of my humble beginnings as a musician and the desire for female companionship (i.e. vagina). Sure, gaming is accepted now and it's all fancy schmancy with online play, but there were no sexy gamer chicks in my day. Like all hobbies that are ultimately pointless, gaming was ruled by men.

However, like most crack addicts, we eventually regress into our old habits again.



One of my favorite systems growing up was the Super Nintendo. That small gray box was a slice of 16-bit heaven in a cruel entertainment world run by alternative music and Beverly Hills 90210. Quick question: What items can you not currently live without? In 2010, most would say their computer and their cell phone.

What were the items I couldn't live without in 1994?





Why you ask? Allow me to explain..

The SNES was not a fail-proof machine. Many times the games would simply not play because of a build up of dust and debris. Sure, a little cleaning as an adult is no problem, but that shit is unacceptable when you're 9 years old. In those days I was in terrific shape, probably the best of my life, but not because I was outside playing or exercising. Rather for the sole reason that many of my days were spent nearly dry heaving into the bottom of an SNES cartridge. I used that shit like a harmonica to get it clean. When that failed, that's when you broke out the trusty q-tip and rubbing alcohol combo to clean the gunk off your favorite game.

This new and ongoing column will feature me reliving some of my favorite games as I replay them now as an adult to see if I'm blinded by the nostalgia factor or see them as 16-bit outdated pieces of not-as-awesome-as-PS3 tripe. Don't worry about wasting your time going through all these games yourself, but rather live vicariously through me as I take a trip down memory lane and dive headfirst into the oblivion of marathon gaming sessions and maybe... just maybe.. Zelda will put out.

Brock Lesnar knows how to make money. He has become public enemy #1 for a majority of the UFC fan base. For UFC fans, former World Wrestling Entertainment World Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar represents a contaminating agent in their otherwise pure sporting world. Brock is loud mouthed. His sportsmanship is lacking, to say the least. He doesn't seem to possess the same sense of respectful "fighting spirit" that most MMA athletes seem to have. Brock doesn't touch gloves. He talks trash AFTER he pounds his victims in. And he LOVES to tell everybody how good he is. And he IS good. He's REALLY good. Pound for pound, Brock is arguably the best heavyweight in the world at the moment, with the only other strong argument being for Strikforce top dog and the recently defeated Fedor Emelianenko. To UFC fans, a "phony" professional wrestler holding their World Championship, representing THEIR SPORT, is utter blasphemy. That's why you'll see a plethora of UFC die hards cheering for the quiet, subdued, respectful Shane Carwin, a man who has yet to taste defeat. A man who has yet to have a fight that lasts longer then one round.

Brock has a lot of his wrestling routes still ingrained in him. His blown up persona you see on UFC TV is a careful creation of Brock's. It's an extension of his heel persona he played in the WWE. Brock knows how business works, and I'm sure Dana White does too. UFC fans will PAY for every PPV that Brock is on, as they are PAYING with the hopes of seeing Brock lose his title. It's not going to happen this Saturday, unfortunately. I won't go into a detailed "Tale Of The Tape" here, because I'm sure Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg will do a better job of breaking things down this weekend at UFC 116. However, think about this. Brock Lesnar has had a handful of MMA fights thus far. His progress is damn near unparalleled. Watch the two Frank Mir fights and take a look at how much improvement Brock made between the first and the second. We're talking leaps and bounds. Day and night. Brock has also faced much more difficult competition then Carwin, and he's come out on top, much earlier in his career.

Carwin has knockout power going for him ,that's for sure. Brock has it too though, my friends. That's what makes this fight so potentially explosive. Like Brock's trainer said on the Primetime special this past week, Carwin's power won't mean a thing if he can't connect. Brock's reach, his speed, and unparalleled wrestling ability give him the edge here. Besides, Brock CANNOT be knocked out. He survived this, after all...



You know where I stand, how about you guys? Think Brock is going to retain? Are we going to see a new UFC Heavyweight Champion in Shane Carwin? UFC 116 is THIS Saturday. I'm pumped. Check back this weekend for all of the fallout from the fights!

I'm American, so as you can expect I have about zero interest in the FIFA World Cup. "It only comes every 4 years!" they protest. Then I thought, "what's one way to make any boring sport exciting?" By betting money in an illegal gambling ring of course! Who did I chose? Certainly not America. Did anyone on this continent really believe the US was going anywhere but down? Sure, if they slipped past Ghana we get a moral victory and that warm and fuzzy patriotic feeling, but being raped later by Brazil or the Netherlands doesn't sound like much fun. Let's just settle for the moral victory of "hey we didn't lose in the first round!"

Where is my money? On David Villa and the Furia Roja known as SPAIN. As stated, soccer is a great tool for inducing sleep, but the matches have become all the more exciting now that I have actual money riding on the event.

After the defeat of Portugal (suck it Ronaldo), I'm feeling even better about my chances. Paraguay is a very winnable game, but after that is either Argentina or Germany. Most likely, I'm looking at an Argentina match-up and that's where I'll officially start gluing my eyes to the television. Argentina is IMO the best team in the world, but I get more money for the underdog, and I'm a greedy man.

So let's go you Loco Spainiards, make me some god damn money.

I have somehow pulled off my marathon thanks to lots of popcorn and high sugar fruit drinks. This Tropicana says "5% juice." Really, what is the other 95%? I can only hope it's water and not some nuclear piss mixture. It's not Freddy that keeps me awake at night, but thoughts like those. Anyway, as I've been typing and hanging around I've been jamming this amazingly horrid record..



The 80's defined what it meant to be cheesy in music, but this is something else. If you were sent to hell and they happened to be having a prom, this is what they'd play. Which hey, that might be the point, but at times it's plain intolerable. The music features more than a few wink wink tracks like "Do the Freddy", "All I Have to do is Dream" and "Don't Sleep." There is also a random cover of "Wooly Bully." Sorry, I don't know either.

While I'm on the subject, how AWESOME is Dokken?



THAT awesome.